A Toilet Story II "The Fix"

I have an incredible update to the original Allen Toilet Story!!

First - The Apology

Second - The Fix

I'd like to make a hear felt apology to my loving wife regarding the 2 year long Allen Toilet Saga. It seems as though there has been a totally different culprit this entire time. We've made the mistake of inviting a lovely lifelong female companion of Christie's into our house several times and unbenounced to us this companion has a lifelong reputation of permanently wrecking havoc on toilets of all shapes and sizes. So bad in fact, random people have been called to the scene several times to unclog a toilet that was so incredibly clogged no female has ever successfully been able to unclog them.

Location: Athens, GA (2002)
Unclogger: Rob Allen

I'm sure that this person has been the cause of several toilet wrecking instances that I'm not aware of but I'd like to share 3 seperate instances that I personally have knowledge of. The first occurred in Athens, GA at the River Club apartment complex. I arrived at the apartment after a long drive up from Ocala, Fl and was told that the first order of business was to unclog this incredible mess of a toilet. I opened the lid to something undescribably foul! It seemed as though the perpetrator had made several unsuccessful attempts no less than 24 hours earlier to unclog this toilet themselves and decided to give up until a trained professional could come take over. Without going into great detail this toilet took no less than 15 minutes to unclog and required a mask, gloves and tons of will power. It wasn't until earlier this year when the Allen Toilet Story!! took place that I personally witnessed anything on the River Club toilet level.

Location: Vinings, GA (2006)
Unclogger: Dave Warren

I personally wasn't involved with this particular case but the story was relayed to me in "Great Detail" of which I will share with you here. The wife decided to host a "Girls Night In" that ended up turning incredibly "crappy". It seemed as though this perpetrator was in attendance at this particular event and struck again! This time it happened in the middle of the night and seeing as how only one toilet was available an innocent bystander was called to the seen. The chivalrous Dave Warren was called over to unclog a hideous mess of a toilet of which he was personally not responsible. It seems like the perp is very good at clogging but terrible at unclogging. None the less, after several attempts the clog was indeed removed and the thankful ladies sent Mr. Warren away with much gratitude. Mr. Warren was quoted as saying "I've seen a lot of s%&# in my day but this s%&# was out of control! I wasn't aware a female could ruin a toilet like that".

Location: Smyrna, GA (August 20, 2010)
Unclogger: The perps father

I was away on a close friends bachelor party in Fernandina Beach, Fl when I was alerted that the perp had struck again. This time they struck at the Allen House, AGAIN!! It seems as though while I was away the wife decided to have another girls night in of which the perp was in attendance. I was told that the perp caused such a clog that several girls completely exhausted themselves to the point of severe muscle fatigue and were unsuccessful at unclogging this wrecked toilet. Of course as in most other cases the perp was involved with; an innocent bystander needed to be called to the scene. This time the perps father was asked to make a house call. He was quoted as saying "Wow, I haven't had to unclog something of this nature since right before you moved out". Apparently this is nothing new to the father. This clog was apparently no match for him as he has incredible experience at clogs of this nature as he's been servicing them for the past 32 years of his life for his beloved daughter. Again, the ladies sent the much appreciated father on his way very thankful for the service he had once again performed.

The fix:

After this last case on our very finicky toilet the decision was made that we needed to replace this toilet in its entirety. The wife and I were sure that the toilet would never be the same again. So, after a consultation from the Father in Law a proper toilet was selected from the local Home Depot. This toilet touts a 10/10 toilet flushing power rating. It says right on the box that this very toilet is capable of flushing an entire basket of golf balls without a clog. Of course with all of the toilet problems that the Allens have experienced and knowing that the perp would be coming over several times more there was really no other option except this incredible toilet. The call was made to the Father in Law for assistance with the toilet installation and the date was set for today. As with most handyman projects that I attempt this one would prove to be just as head shakingly awkward as the rest of them. All though (WWSD) was scheduled to come over and help from start to finish I decided to go ahead and attempt the swap out myself. Of course I consulted the internet for several how to videos before I attempted the swap out; and just like always they make it look soo incredibly easy. I was confident I would be able to make this repair with no outside assistance and prove that my handyman abilities have been constantly improving. First I turned the water valve to the toilet off and removed the hose from the toilet. Next came the bolts holding the toilet to the floor and finally lifted the toilet off of the wax seal and onto the floor. Just like the video said I would need to remove the old wax before I was able to put the new toilet in place. The video was very adamant about not letting any of the was enter the pipe. I was very careful to not let this happen but of course I wasn't careful enough as plop I dropped a big hunk of wax right down into the drain. At this very moment the wife came home and was shocked to see the old toilet sitting out on the porch but her father was nowhere in site. Of course this shocking reality required a few questions like "I thought my dad was helping you", "so, how's it coming along", "are you sure you've got that". Of course I do babe, I'm just sprinting downstairs where I hope a wax removal tool of some sort can be located and the hunk of was in the pipe could be removed. Of course as every good handyman does I removed every speck of was from this pipe and I'd like to think it's even better now than before I started with it. The next task in the process was to update the water supply to this decade and unfortunately required a trip to the local ACE Hardware. Once I arrived at the local ACE and showed the gentleman what I was in need of he made the statement "dang son, I haven't seen a set up like that in 20 years of running this hardware store" He asked me several questions as to which I wasn't able to answer any and he sent me on my way with everything that I needed. After I got back I was to turn off the main water supply as instructed by the helpful ACE guy. After several minutes of second guessing which one of the many knobs to turn under the house I closed my eyes and turned the red knob which I hoped was the right one. To me this was just like standing in front of nuclear reactor and deciding which one of buttons would blow up the world and which one would save it. I know this is probably elementary for most but unfortunately not for me. After I successfully chose the right knob it was back up to change the water supply. Unfortunately, I didn't have everything that I needed and I was back up to ACE in need of more information from the helpful ACE guy. He was again shocked at what I brought him but he was able to give me what I needed. So, I was back to the house and quickly and successfully replaced the water supply and was just getting ready to fit the toilet in the right place when WWSD showed up to lend his expertise and helpful hand. Of course, once he arrived and saw what I had started with out him he had his own set of questions "tell me exactly what you've done so far", did you use pipe dope", (I still have no idea what pipe dope is but my use of teflon tape seemed to be sufficient), "who told you how to do all of this" of course my response was what do you mean; there's really nothing to this: ) With his help the rest of the install was pulled of seamlessly and our new super flush toilet is now installed. The only thing I'm worried about plunging out of the toilet now is Christie since this toilet has some incredible suction.

As for the perpetrator mentioned above I have no choice but to leave her nameless as I've been told there are several legal cases pending regarding this matter. We've been contacted by River Club and The Gables requesting statements about what exactly happened to each of the toilets. The manufacturer of the Allen toilet have offered to purchase our toilet for testing. Apparently, they've never seen a toilet go through this much abuse, EVER.

It goes without saying that this stands as one of the happiest days of our lives as we hope to NEVER have to use a plunger again.

Please stay tuned as we hope to have a golf ball flushing party soon!!

-Rob